we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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