My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
