im holly from the hills drunk
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
