so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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