You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
