my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
