I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
