all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
