My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
