I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
