woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
