i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
