Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
