just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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