I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
