So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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