I want to have your abortion
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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