is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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