ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
