We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
