i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
