Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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