Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
worst night to have a conscience
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
