You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
