Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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