Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
farters have to be the big spoon...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
