I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
