if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
