help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
