I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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