Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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