Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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