there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
