listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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