May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
