I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
