you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
