I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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