First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
