I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
