Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
