yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
