I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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