I'm eating all of the evidence.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
