When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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