so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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