i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
