dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
