I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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