the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
