oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
