just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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